Judge All You Want

Don't tell anybody this, but I love drugs and alcohol. They get me out of the shitty state I'm always in. God blessed me with bipolar disorder. Do you have that? If yes, hit me up and we'll vent. If not, shut the fuck up. You don't know what it's like.

You don't know what it's like to wake up every single day of your life wondering if you're going to want to die or survive. Because most of the time those are the only two options. I think I've maybe woken up 10 mornings bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Oh cheer up you say. Think on the bright side. Things will get better. You realize how insulting that "advice" is? You think I haven't thought of that? Or been told that thousands of times? Toxic positivity.

My song Angel might sound depressing or sad. But I think you'd be surprised how many people feel that way. Those people you know who killed themselves? They weren't looking for attention. They were looking for a way out.

If you get cancer people send you sympathy cards and flowers and visit you in the hospital. If you get diagnosed with mental illness people talk shit about you and avoid you when you reach out. They want to leave it to your therapist who you're afraid to share feelings with and see maybe once every other week.

A lot of marginalized groups have developed a voice in our society. But those with serious mental illness have not because we aren't taken seriously. To many, we're the serial killers, mass shooters, and creepers. But the hard truth is, most of us are doing all we can to appear like we're like you.

And a harder truth, we never will be. What's the saying? You can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig? I guess I've learned that as hard as I try to be a normie, I never will be.

And you know what? I think there's nothing else I'm more proud of. I mean nothing against people who identify this way, but I hate normal. I hate the mundane. I would rather be below average than average. So if I see myself becoming average, I self-sabotage. It looks really stupid from the outside, but when you figure in resentment it makes sense.

I was bullied in school by the preppies and jocks who didn't find me sufficient for their acceptance. My dad wanted me to fit in so bad that he made his disappointment well known when I decided not to go out for football one year. My whole life has been an act. I've been very good at behaving like a normal person. But I've hated it the whole way. And now that I have a son, I've decided I don't want him to grow up seeing his dad faking his way through life and being miserable.

I don't know, maybe I'm too old to make it as a musician. But I have a lot to say in an entertaining way, and I've always found people respond well to that. At least the misfits and "losers" do. We want real shit.

I am always scared of being seen as crazy and getting locked up. A lot of people with mental disorders are. So excuse us if we don't want to share everything we're going through.

And excuse us for wanting to share our thoughts and feelings through art. And I know your tendency is to pick it apart and judge the artist. Just keep in mind, that artist probably wants you to like them.

They're just not willing to sacrifice their well -being for it.

-Bugs