Powerlessness

I only have power over some of what comes from me. This means what I think, say, and do.

I have an influence on a lot of other things, but not control. Even much of my being, including my emotions, I don't have control over. I can think, speak, and act in hopes that I will have the influence I want. But I have no control over how much of my being, the world, and other people choose to react.

I absolutely have control issues. I get mad when I do what I think is right and the "right" thing doesn't happen. I feel like if I'm nice/generous to a person, they should be that way back. I feel like if I work hard enough at something I should be successful at it. And I feel like if I do what I enjoy, it should make me happy. But it's not always the case that these things happen. Much of the world is unpredictable, and humans are very complex beings. We have many conflicting needs/wants, and our priorities are usually going to be different from the rest of the world's priorities. It does me no good to get so upset over things I can't control. I'm much happier and more free when I accept my powerlessness and let go. This is one of the hardest things for me to do, but it's also absolutely my first step into recovery.

I've never been good at using my wit or charm to win people over and have influence over them. I've always lacked self-confidence, and I feel like that's often apparent. So as a child, I would usually put on a mask and try to fit in, then use my intelligence and athleticism to get attention. I was really good in school and sports, and my classmates admired me for that. But I never felt I belonged with them, and they often pointed out things about me they thought were weird or undesirable. At first my reaction was to clam up, internalize the bullying, and bully myself so their bullying didn't hurt as much. But my mental health got so bad that I couldn't cope anymore. My therapist taught me to be assertive and use my humor to fight back. I was happy to see it worked, and I stopped getting bullied. My classmates actually grew to fear and respect me because my insults cut much deeper than theirs did. I've never been one to start a fight, but I have learned that I need to be the one to finish it.

I'm always experiencing some level of physical pain and a lot of emotional pain. I've gotten used to it in a way, but it still constantly tortures me. Some days it's so bad that I have constant suicidal thoughts, even though I don't really want to kill myself. Disappointment absolutely destroys me sometimes, especially when it's over something I want badly. We'd like to think that hard work always leads to success, but it doesn't. In high school, I worked my ass off to be an all-star athlete, but mental illness and medication came along and ruined that dream. In college, I worked my ass off to become president of the student body. I lost twice, and I've never been able to figure out why. I guess most people who lose elections will never completely know why they lost. After college, I worked my ass off to move up in the companies I worked for. I think my drinking problem and anxiety kept that dream from coming true. And through all of that, I had many failed relationships, which probably hurt the most. Every single one of these "failures" completely destroyed my self-esteem and motivation. And almost always they led to long periods of heavy drinking and deep depression. That's how I handle disappointment.

I don't really have a lot of denial. Years of therapy, treatment, soul-searching, and prayer have led me to be very aware of the issues I have. I know that I'm an alcoholic, I have mental illness, I have difficulties with relationships, and I'm filled with fear and doubt. I know I self-sabotage and criticize myself far more than I would ever do to another person. I know very well the powerlessness I have over these things. It's just a matter of finding ways to cope and manage them better.

I am being extremely honest with my therapist. I have told her about things I never thought I'd tell people, and she's always had helpful responses. I've told her about my suicidal thoughts, deep insecurities, and hatred for people who hurt me. I've even shared my music with her, even though I know it's somewhat negative and offensive sometimes. But I've noticed that being overly positive and agreeable can be detrimental. I've learned about toxic positivity, which is society's way of teaching us to ignore problems and avoid uncomfortable subjects. My New Year's Resolution was to be as real as possible. And it's led to me digging up the roots of a lot of my problems and expelling the fake/conniving/manipulative people from my life. I've decided I'm going to do whatever it takes to get to where God and I want me to be. And I've been more honest with God, which has led to me yelling at Him, telling Him I hate Him, and questioning why He allows such shitty things to happen if He loves us so much. Unfortunately I haven't gotten much back from Him. Where I used to get a thought or feeling from Him when I prayed, I'm getting silence. But I have a feeling once I work through some of this turmoil, I'll start hearing Him again. Sometimes we need to meet Him halfway.

I am absolutely developing a great support team. I'm being more honest and open with my family and friends. Sometimes that turns them away, but sometimes it leads them to be better able to support and encourage me. I have an amazing therapist who's helped me uncover, process and overcome some horrible issues that have plagued me for too long. I've even gained support from some unlikely places. My son's daycare provider has been through a lot of heartbreak herself, and she's been so helpful with my son and helping me work through my painful emotions. I have some friends who care about me as a person, not for what I do for them. I've gotten to a point where I don't want people in my life unless they're empathetic and understanding of what I'm going through. I sometimes make that very clear, even to my dad. I have too much at stake with my health, my son, and my dreams to have people in my life who are going to be detrimental to those things.