Journal entry 5/2/23

What am I feeling right now?

Dread

Frustration

Apprehension

Despair

Resentment

Regret

Shame

Guilt

Resilient

I’m mainly feeling frustrated that I can’t shake these shitty feelings, nagging regrets, and negative thoughts. And it doesn’t help to shun, scoff at, or condemn myself. What helps is being compassionate, understanding, and nurturing. That’s what I need right now. I don’t need “tough love”, I need actual love. I want to get out of this pit of despair I’m in, and loving kindness is the way to do that.

I just feel shitty all the fucking time and I’m sick of it. I need to change some things. I want to change some things so I can be healthy, happy, and successful and be a good dad for Bugs Jr.

I hate this fucking job and I always have. I want to stop settling for less. I want to stop compromising my needs and wants for making shit money. I keep hearing my mom’s voice in the back of my head, “Just stick it out. You have to take whatever you can get right now.” I’m sorry Mom, you’re very helpful with most things, but not career advancement. I don’t really have that help.

Bugs, it’s time to stand up and do what’s right for you. Which in turn is going to be right for Bugs Jr. Please stop settling, man. Please stop running. Please stop rolling over. Fight.

Fight.